09.11.25

lost my job, my brother is violent and refusing all help, the world around me never seems to slow down. i wonder if being more proactive when i was younger could have helped, but sometimes i also wonder if i should just run away from everything... i think going down either path will help and hurt me, but staying in the middle won't work much longer.

i have an opportunity for a good job, at the same clinic my mom works at. but that would keep me here, stuck with all of them, to keep watching them make the same mistakes over and over again. of course, if i don't take action for something that pays more, i can't fulfill this dream i have to take better care of myself and my partner, to keep our dreams alive, to make a difference in my life. life is all about the balance, huh? i just wish i didn't get so stuck on the either/or of it all.

07.27.25

5 months later, and 5 months sober from alcohol. i have a lot of feelings about it... i stopped drinking because i needed to have control over something, and i wanted to be able to tell my brother that you can be better than addiction. everyone in my family (5 whole people) all abuse substances, so maybe i do too? i didn't drink much to begin with, but its a start, and its interesting how people react to it.

i did get tipsy twice in those 5 months, just to be able to try it with this new lens and see what i thought... both times i was cranky, exhausted, and sad. whats the point?

things are worse and better at the same time. i don't think i love any of my family, and i don't think they love me much either. the further away i get from things like alcohol, and even my family, the more clearly i see it for what it is. i also achieved something i've always wanted to do, and i've been working hard at it for the last year and a half, so i'm forcing myself to accept the situation with my brother and family how it is. i cant control them, even if its for the better. i can only do that for myself. i don't want to sacrifice myself anymore

02.27.25

i thought my little brother was going to overdose. i've never been so afraid. days after the scare, he's healthy, but by then i sobbed myself into a fever. i had a lot of time to think, and i realized that anxiety has encased me so perfectly, for years i've mistaken it for my own skin. i'm scared of everything, and i don't have any control. i just want to do something about it