i feel like being a little more lighthearted for this entry, so i'll share my new years resolution: no video games. very brave, i know. i wouldn't consider myself a hardcore gamer, but i certainly sink most of my free time into it! animal crossing, fantasy life, stardew valley... i love playing in these cozy, colorful worlds so much, that sometimes i forget i can live that way in reality too.

i'm just such a recluse! i love my apartment, i love my partner, i love my cat... i'd stay home all day forever if i could, but it's time to get out of my comfort zone a little. this year i plan on:
★ daily walks
★ making a dent in my reading list
★ sewing practice (i want to make a quilt someday!)
★ finishing my pile of WIPs (pixel art & crochet, i'm looking at you.)
★ starting a CD collection

life is better. i opened my eyes to the emotional abuse i've been enduring my entire life, now i see things clearer. my family has been whittled down to me, my brother, and my mom because of this new clarity, and i think the three of us are all finally awake and ready to love eachother the way we couldn't before.

normally christmas is the time of year where my anxiety is at its worst. this year, we aimed to celebrate it casually. just the three of us (and my loving partner) in my apartment. no anger, no obligations, just family and delicious homemade bread pudding. i'm tearing up just thinking about it, i've never had such a calm christmas, and i hope there are many more like this to come.

i'm very proud of myself as i look back on 2025. next month marks one year sober! here's to a new year full of creativity, love, and reconnection.

i lost my job, my brother is violent and refusing all help, the world around me never seems to slow down. i dream about running away from everything... but i'm not strong enough to do it. i know there is somewhere quiet, peaceful, and loving out there just waiting for me to find it someday.

5 months later, and 5 months sober from alcohol. i want to be able to show my brother that you can say no. everyone in my family (5 whole people) all struggle with addiction, i worry often about going down that same path, always on the edge of giving in. i want to have control over myself.

i recently achieved something i've always wanted to do, i've been working hard at it for the last year and a half, so i'm forcing myself to accept the situation with my brother and family how it is. i cant control them, i have to focus on the things that i can do.

i thought my little brother was going to overdose. i've never been so afraid. days after the scare, he's healthy, but by then i sobbed myself into a fever. i had a lot of time to think while i was sick and stuck on the couch, and i realized that anxiety has encased me so perfectly, for years i've mistaken it for my own skin. i'm scared of everything, and it keeps me far from the people i love until it's too late.